Boxes

I feel alone again but it's just me. I put myself in this place a box a cage a prison all of my own. Only i have the key to unlock the cell no one but me. But still i feel alone scared left in the dark with no one. Confused, angry, annoyed with everything. Am i really here or is this all just a dream of my own making, am i real is anything real? 


G.L.B.  January 2, 1995

A la Madre de su toque

I began my morning to the voice of Margo Timmins singing Sweet Jane right at the same moment my now eight year old daughter, Sierra, crawled into bed with me. Savoring the few minutes we have to wrap our arms around eachother and fall back to sleep.  "Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane Sweet, Sweet Jane. Anyone who's ever had a dream. Anyone who's played a part. Anyone who's ever been lonely. and anyone who's ever split apart." Snooze one last time.... a flip of a switch the kettle starts to tick. Cool water to wake my tired face.

The familiar routine begins as I insert the key and unlock the doors to Citrus & Sage.... coffee brewing away,  shuffle on the ipod and lights on.  The "other home" is open and ready for the regular customers (friends & family now) to join me. Jasmine green tea with my mustard yellow cup, that day's book and feet up.

Terry 6:55AM, Teri & Richard 7:08AM, Brian, Chris & Davy 7:12AM, Nate 7:15AM, Paul 7:30AM, Travis 7:45AM all right on schedule.   A quick flash of hellos and in walks Hannah... ah sweet Hannah. And the day begins to it's fast pace and steady rush. The sounds of people conversing, doing business and enjoying the morning mixed with my Vida steaming milk and pulling hot perfect shots of espresso. If only I could capture the smell from the deep rich espresso.  I converse with Jeff over books and the universe. Oh and a bit of welding. Beautiful pregnant Ru orders her hot chocolate with lots of whip cream. I sit with her fundraising committee for a brief minute... baby showers, joining the committee, a quick reference to sex toys and giggles fill the table. The connection with people, that's what I so enjoy.  The daily life (vida) of this home away from home.

From the young age of 4 years old I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.... A mommy I said.    I grew up and became a Mommy. In more ways than one. I am the mother of two amazing unique little girls, also at age thirteen I was put in the part of a mother for my mother and now I am the adopted mother of this sweet sweet simple coffee shop.. Citrus & Sage. I so dearly love it all. The ups and downs, the learning, the growing, the friends, the community, the giving and the trust.  More than anything the trust I get to give to each and everyone that walks in our door. If you have no clue what I am talking about please come see for yourself.

Bus Stop

Made dinner with Sierra tonight as Paloma watered and sang to our garden on the upstairs deck.  When it came time to eat we decided to eat on the deck.  As we sat, ate and talked at one point the bus pulled up to the bus stop right in front of our house.  Six young kids ran across the street to catch the bus, two girls and four boy, ranging in age from four years old to maybe eleven years old.  I sat quietly watching the three older boys together help each other put their bikes on the front rack of the bus.  Two worked side by side to pull down the bike rack as the other held the bikes.  Then two of the boys would grab a bike on each end and heave it up on to the rack, one by one. Quietly and quickly they worked together.  Sierra watched with me and said "Where is their mother?"  I smiled at her and said "Well she is probably really busy at work so she can make sure they have a home and food, so those kids have learned to do a lot on their own, together."  She thought for a second then gave me a little side smile and said "I see."

Philía

A bit of knowledge in knowing. A whirlwind of lives mix into one that ends and begins with this very moment.  The connection I find in the ones I meet brings tears to my eyes for the idea... "I found what I was looking for".   Now what?  Am I suppose to know what to do with it?  The feeling of loss or being lost fades away with the clarity of just knowing it's going to be okay.

Lee Cates age 72

Number one rule regarding women... never ask their age or reveal their true age.  Bull Shit is what I have to say to that.  As a woman I feel I have earned every year that is behind me and excited to add years to it.    I met this woman from Scottsdale last summer who stays here just for the summer time.  She walked into my little coffee shop with the biggest grin on her face.  I could have closed my eyes and still seen (felt) her smile.  We became friends right from the start.  She has eyes of a child but with much wisdom in them.  All summer long I heard stories from her past, present and the hopes of her future plans.  I sat, as a child would with her mother, intently listening to her talk with excitement in her voice recalling her life to someone who cared enough to listen.  I remember thinking to myself... "I want to be as lively as Lee is as I grow up."  Oh she just is walking in the door to the shop right now with a big smile on her face!!!  She is so adorable.  Lee just told me about a class she took on laughter.  Big Belly laughter is what the world needs she said. (11:00 AM)  Got distracted with work, life and fun till now. Resting in bed about to close my eyes to dream.

In Between

My dream begins to fade into the distance as I hear the voice of Jim Reid singing behind me.  My eyes feel heavy.  The morning sun falls across my bed and body as I stretch. I wonder..... I should text Steve to bring me my usual double short latte.  Under mounds of down comforters and comfy feather bed with a hot latte in hand as I write.  Mmmm sounds perfect!   Drifting off to wonderland again.

S'mores

After our hockey game tonight I was roasting marshmallows by the fire pit at Sue's house thinking "Damn this is great!  I have lived here for a year and half, met so many interesting people and continue to daily".  Brooke and I talked about how many of our friends have been living in the same place since high school doing the same thing for 15 years.  Day in day out. Works for them but just wouldn't work for me.  Not now.  I am at a place in life where I feel as if each day offers a new bend or fork in the road for me to choose between, but continuing down the same path to the goal(s) I want to reach.  Sometimes I get stressed thinking about what needs to gets down each day but by the end of the day as I settle into bed I am quiet and content.  Thankful for what the universe has brought my way, especially my friends.